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9 Tips for Keeping Kids Rooms Clean

This post on keeping kids rooms clean is sponsored by The Good Stuff and Coupons.com.

If you’ve got a whole house to keep clean weekly, you know how just a few good tips can drastically alter your workload. With kids in the house, that cleaning task can sometimes seem insurmountable, but by utilizing these nine tips for keeping rooms clean, you’ll be relaxing with your feet kicked up in a clean house in no time.

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Along with these tips, spending a little time making some efficiency and organization changes to your home can also help shorten the time your family spends cleaning your home each week.

Get Your Kids Involved

While sometimes it may be tempting to simply clean the room as you see fit, rather than trying to cajole your junior family members, getting the kids involved from the very beginning is key. After all, it is their room, and getting buy-in from the start will only help down the road.

Giving them ownership over how their room is to be organized can help inspire them to keep the clutter at bay. If nothing else, they will know where you expect their items to be kept when not in use.

Let Them Take the Lead

Instead of trying to make decisions for your kids as far as what stays and what goes, give them the opportunity to share their vision with you. Letting them tell you about what their thoughts allows you to get a window into their world. You can then start to speak their language, giving them the sense that you are there to help.

Everything in its Place

Simply telling kids to “put something away” can imply a negative tone, and it also isn’t a definite instruction. Instead, personalize everything. Give everything in your child’s room a “home,” or place where it will live. When things are out-of-place, asking your kids to put something where it lives is a more positive and fun way of saying “clean up this mess.”

Give Them Control of Their Domain

When clearing the clutter, you may be tempted to interject and force them to hold on to certain items. A special gift, something sentimental, etc. However, having too much stuff in their room can be positively overwhelming for kids. Imagine being asked to keep a room full of stuff you don’t want and keep it organized, and you begin to get the picture. Instead, kids need to be given the ability to say what stays and what goes.

Get On Their Level

As adults, it’s not a problem to organize things wherever we find space. However, that strategy doesn’t always work for smaller people. It’s important for them to be able to access things easily and see where they are at a moment’s glance. That’s why it’s important to start at ground level and work your way up. Having organization spaces close to floor level gives your kids easy access to their things, and it also makes it easier for them to get them put away.

Keep Things Consistent

When your kid gets to school, chances are they are being asked to store their things in their cubby. So, recreate that experience at home with their own in-room cubbies.

Mirroring what happens at school can help reinforce keeping things in their place. If you put them by the door to their room, it also helps create a drop-zone where things can be put as soon as they enter their room, before they even have a chance to clutter.

Make a Game of It

Kids love games and can turn almost anything into a competition. Try to develop a fun routine in regards to cleaning and organizing rooms. A “Clean Room Club,” or counting backwards from ten as ten items are put away can also make the experience of keeping a room clean more fun.

Create Boundaries

Your child’s room is their space inside the home, so it needs to be as functional for them as possible. If the size of their room allows it, you should strive to make separate spaces within that room. There will be a temptation when organizing to move tables to walls and open up as much floor space in the middle of the room as possible. However, that lends itself to clutter.

Show Them the Way

When it comes to finding their way in the world, often children mirror the behavior of their parents. If clutter in your home isn’t a problem confined just to your kids’ rooms, it may be helpful to look in the mirror at some of your own behaviors. Take a good look at how you choose to organize your life, and apply some of the same tips we’ve gone over here to your own space inside the home.

July 27, 2019
How to Support an Addicted Spouse in Recovery

This post on helping an addicted spouse in recovery is a guest article written by Tyler from the Steps Recovery Center. No compensation was exchanged for this post. My goal is to provide content to help your family live a more full and purposeful life.

Marriage is supposed to be one of the most rewarding relationships in our life, where spouses can go to each other for reassurance and feel loved in our everyday lives. Marriage is supposed to feel like a safe haven from the outside world.

Learning to Love in a Marriage when Differences Arise

Unfortunately, addiction can quickly turn the safe haven of marriage into a nightmarish cage. If you are the spouse of an addict, you’ve probably witnessed your partner change from a kind, loving person to someone whose mood requires you to walk on eggshells constantly.

Even if your partner is actively working to recover from their addiction, it can be all too tempting to give in to despair. I’m here to tell you that there are steps you can take now that will not only help you support your spouse but also help you gain some semblance of normalcy in your life.

Here are some tips on how to support your alcoholic or addicted spouse in recovery.

Be Honest – Avoid Denial

If you are married to an addict in recovery, the most important thing you can do is be honest with yourself about the situation. Too many people try to sweep their addicted spouse’s actions under the rug rather than address reality. However, ignoring the problem won’t help you or your spouse.

Being honest doesn’t mean you need to tell everyone you meet about your problem, but it does mean you need to face it head-on. Doing this allows you to take control of your own well-being and helps you to determine what your next step should be.

Do Your Research

Addiction is a disease that can affect everyone in your family. The person you fell in love with still exists, they are just sick and need help.

If you are married to an addict in recovery, all is not lost. There are many sources online full of tips and strategies to help you through this rough patch in your marriage.

You should also consider contacting an experienced treatment specialist as they can help you gain a much clearer picture of your situation.

The Steps Recovery Centers blog is a great place to start, as they regularly post blogs about addiction recovery and how to support an alcoholic spouse in recovery.

Stop Enabling

Whatever you do, and this can’t be emphasized enough, don’t enable your partner in their addiction. Enabling is doing anything that shelters an addict from the consequences of their actions and allows them to continue indulging in their addictions.

Enabling an addict always causes more harm than good. Your goal is to help your spouse overcome their addiction through love and care, not help them continue their destructive behavior.

Put You and Your Family First

Ultimately, there is only one person you can change in this world, and that’s you. If you are the spouse of an addict, it’s vital that you place the needs of yourself and your family first.

This means that you should continue with any family routines you may have, such as family dinner, even if your spouse doesn’t join you. Find some time to spend with family and friends. Taking the time to care for yourself can help you find inner strength that you didn’t even know you had!

It’s also important to know your limits. Most spouses will eventually get the help they need. However, it’s important to remember that marriage doesn’t mean that you need to be tied to a sinking ship.

Remember, addiction recovery is a process. Your spouse may make great strides some weeks and little to no progress other weeks. As many can attest, things can get better.

Author’s Bio

Tyler S. Hansen
Steps Recovery Centers
General Manager

I am a recovering addict who currently has 7+ years clean and sober. I spent time in the Utah State Prison for drug and theft charges and now work as an Advanced Substance Use disorder counselor for Steps Recovery
addiction Centers and the Utah County Sheriffs Office. I am also attending the MSW program at Brigham Young University and an advocate and speaker for recovery.

May 22, 2019
A Pre-Teens Guide to Cell Phone Etiquette

This post on pre-teen cell phone etiquette is sponsored by Coupons.com.

So, you’re thinking of getting your pre-teen a cell phone? Read through this cell phone etiquette guide first!

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We were those parents who said we’d never get our kids a cellphone – at least not until they could pay for it themselves.

Then our daughter went to middle school. Life had changed more than I thought it would. There were after school clubs, group projects, and many more friends.

We went through most of the year without a cell phone, but I found her becoming more reclusive, and avoiding joining clubs or even getting together with friends. Perhaps, I thought, it was because her friends had easier ways to communicate with each other and their parents.

After much consideration, we decided to set up my old phone for her use. The hope was that she would find comfort in being able to contact me about after school activities. It would also make working in group projects easier to coordinate. Using an old out-dated phone meant she would also be limited in how she could use it.

When it comes to giving your pre-teen a cell phone though, there are certain rules they should and you should follow.

Mom and Dad have full access to everything on the cell phone

This one is a must. For your kids safety, and your knowledge, you need to know what they are using the phone for. There are many ways to limit what they can use the phone for, but kids have a way of finding new ways to use electronics.

At the end of every day, I take a moment to read through any texts that were sent that day. I also check her call log, and safari tabs.

No deleting phone numbers/messages

I quickly discovered that after each phone call she made or received she would delete the number. We discussed that she needs to leave the call log alone, so I can see who may be calling her. After getting a number of spam calls, she understands that this helps me keep her safe.

She also had no idea that that is what she was doing when she swiped the number away. While I hope she also hasn’t been deleting any text messages, this one is harder to keep tabs on. Discuss with your children the importance of knowing who and what they are texting.

Keep the Cell Phone out of the Bedroom

My number one rule with a pre-teen owning a cell phone is that it must stay out of the bedroom. Conversations behind closed doors, and facetime with friends don’t need to be held in private at this age.

On top of the privacy concern, allowing a phone in the bedroom can really mess with pre-teens body clocks. They may spend many hours up in the night texting friends, playing games, or watching videos. Make it priority from the start to keep electronics out of the bedroom, including tablets.

Set aside a place for all electronics, including Mom and Dad’s phones to be during the night. We bought a multi-use charging station where all electronics go at night. By setting the example

At School, keep it in the locker or turned off in the backpack.

The main reason any pre-teen should have a phone, is to stay in contact with their parents. This means, when they are at school, the phone doesn’t need to be used. In fact, it shouldn’t be used during class. Encourage your pre-teen to either turn their phone off or keep it in their locker

I once texted my daughter to remind her of our after school schedule. She got upset with me because it was during her math class. Turns out, though, it was in her locker the whole time. She was more upset she had missed my text, lol.

Keep Tabs on Data and Internet access.

If your pre-teens cellphone is going to have data and internet access make sure it is set up so you can keep tabs on it. Discuss with your child what uses data, and how much it costs. You don’t want to get a bill at the end of the month with unexpected charges.

Read more about Teens and Cell Phones: What’s a Mom to Do? from The Good Stuff.

May 20, 2019
How to be More than a Facebook Like to Your Friends

When was the last time you really paid attention to what your friends were posting on social media? Or the last time you reached out to a friend beyond liking their Facebook status?

I’m not very good at it myself. I get wrapped up in my own life, and although I follow my friends on Facebook, I’m often taking the shortcut of clicking that little thumbs up, heart, cry face, wow, or angry face and then moving on with scrolling. Taking not much more thought of what might actually be going on in their life.

Do You Know Your Friends

When people describe me, I have a feeling it’s usually “that busy mom of 5, running her own business.”

However, I’d rather be known as someone who always takes the time to listen, who knows what you are going through, and ready to help out in a moments notice. To be someone you can always count on to be there whether you reached out for help or not.

Photography by Rasheite K Photography

Do you see your friends? Do you know your friends? Do you truly love your friends? And if you say yes to all of those, do your friends know it?

I have had a number of experiences where I know I’ve been blessed with people who I would describe just like that. They saw me, despite the mask I tried to put on. They knew what I needed, and they let me know they loved me. However a few weeks ago may have been one of the sweetest moments.

I spent most of February stuck in a depressive mood. I knew I was depressed, but I couldn’t pull myself out of it – as is the case for most people struggling with mental health.

Related – Home Therapy That Can Help Your Mental Health

Photogrpahy by Rasheite K Photography

Halfway through the month I received an email full of beautiful pictures of my kids. I had forgotten that early in January we spent the day with a fellow blogger as she grew her photography business. We got some beautiful photos of the kids from Rasheite.

These photos were a reminder of how good my life is, and what really matters – ie family. I shared the photos to Facebook, and briefly mentioned in the caption that it was just what I needed after a hard month.

When Friends Reach Out

A member of my congregation saw that post and rather than just liking the pictures she read what I wrote. In love she reached out to say she was sorry the month was hard and hoped I was feeling better. I didn’t have to tell her why it was hard, but because she reached out I took off the mask.

She then went a step further and asked if it would be OK if she prayed for me. I of course said yes. The power of those prayers have been felt daily when that depression starts tugging at the corners of my mind.

She didn’t stop there. A day later she stopped by my house with beautiful potted tulips, and the sweetest fruit salad I’ve ever tasted. We connected on a deeper level because she took the time out of her life to really see me. She got to know me, then showed me love and by example how to love.

Photography by Rasheite K Photography

I now hope to be more like my friend Chelsea. To see you. I’ll try to put those “likes, loves, sad, wow, and angry” faces into more real actionable emotions. I don’t know what that will look like exactly yet, but more love will be shared as a result.

March 15, 2019
Meditation: How to do it and Why it helps

I received a trial run of BrainTap Pro for mobile. All thoughts on meditation are my own.

When I went to a counselor for my post pardum depression, after a few sessions of just talking, we tried some guided meditation. As the counselor walked me through my mind, I came across a “door”. Behind this door I found myself – the girl I used to be before mental illness clouded everything.

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Since then I have been searching for some kind of meditation to help keep me grounded when things are going awry. These are a few of the meditation tools I’ve used over the year. We can all benefit from a little deep breathing and mind clearing once in awhile.

Ways to Meditate

Study the Scriptures. As a religious person, I find much comfort in studying the words of the Lord. This year I have been reading from The Book of Mormon and The New Testament. Often finding time to quietly read and ponder how these words can change my life, can be difficult. I’ve found the best way to get this time in, is to get up 30 minutes earlier then my kids. The time is spent focusing on something that helps me grow in knowledge, and focus on something that I feel makes me a better person.

Do Yoga. I’ve always loved the idea of yoga, but spent many days telling myself I couldn’t do it because I had no flexibility. Well, the thing about flexibility is that the more you push against the resistance, the more flexible you can become. Yoga focuses a lot on slow deep breathing. As you do this, you become more aware of your body and mind. You can even get your kids involved with my favorite youtube series – Cosmic Kids Yoga.

Guided Meditation. While I’ve found many helpful ways to meditate through finding time alone to study and then focusing through yoga, the best meditation I have found for me, has been Guided Meditation. Recently I tried out BrainTap Pro for mobile, and can’t get enough of it. BrainTap focuses on balancing your brainwaves for optimal mental health. Every session I’ve used has helped me feel re-energized, or get into a deep sleep. Every session of BrainTap is focused on helping you relax, reboot, and revitalize.
One night my 8 year old was really struggling to fall asleep, so we turned on some deep sleep BrainTap, and before we could blink she and me were both sound asleep. Now I get frequent requests for that “mind sleeping thing”.

Why Meditation?

To meditate means to engage in mental exercise for the purpose of reaching a heightened level of spiritual awareness, or to focus on one’s thoughts. So why do we want to meditate? Is focusing on our own thoughts something we really want to do?

I say YES! When we can focus on our own thoughts, we can gain a deeper understanding of what drives us, who we are, and where we would like to go in life.

Life is very much a balancing act. Talk to any mother and you’ll hear them asking each other how they balance their lives. We seem to all be searching for the magic formula. Well, meditation can be that formula.

We can clear out all that noise. Life will still be there, along with everything we do, but with a clear mind we can see better what needs to be done and when. In other words, it’s a lot simpler to prioritize and move through life without feeling burdened if we have opened our minds to better understanding or “heightened spiritual state.”

How do you meditate? What is your favorite tool for clearing your mind.

February 19, 2019
How to Care for Natural Hair

This post is sponsored by The Good Stuff by Coupons.com All thoughts on natural hair care are my own.

Let’s just get the elephant out of the room right now. I am a white woman that doesn’t fully know the struggles of the Natural Hair movement.

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So phew, glad we could take care of that right away. When The Good Stuff asked me to write this post, I thought it was completely different. I had honestly never heard the term “natural hair” before. Other than in the respect that I have natural hair – it’s not dyed (currently), it’s not permed, and I don’t spend hours of my day applying product or heat to make it do what I want. I would consider my hair “natural”. Heck, the greys are even coming through and I’m letting them stay!

When I was just a kid, the compliments on my hair were always forthcoming. I often heard people wish they had hair like mine, while I was wishing to have straight thin hair like theirs.

Mine was THICK, unmanageable, and the natural waves weren’t cohesive – rather they had a mind of their own. I would have given anything for my hair to be thin and straight. Easy to brush, and to lay across my head the way I told it to.

These days, my tune has changed. I have come to love my hair, and desire to see other girls learning to love their natural hair too. With three daughters, we strive to teach them to love who they are and the way they look naturally. This includes understanding their different hair personalities and how to care for them.

Love Your Natural Hair

First things first – you must love your hair. If you love your hair, your hair will love you back. It’s much like anything in life. The energy we send out, is the energy we will have returned to us. So if you currently struggle with your hair, try loving one thing about it – whether it’s the natural color, it’s health, shape, etc. Love on that one aspect of your hair, and overtime you’ll start to love it all.

Maybe right now all you can say is that you love that you have hair! If that’s where you have to start, then start there. Many are out there who would love to have hair, no matter the struggles it might bring.

Minimize Washing

Turns out, you don’t need to wash your hair daily. In fact, daily washing really isn’t great for any hair or scalp! I personally stick to more of a weekly wash and conditioning, but this is something you have to learn for yourself.

Depending on what you are doing each day, just pay attention to your hair and you’ll know when it’s time for another wash. If you are more active, and some weeks I am, you may find washing to be a more frequent need.

Keep it Natural

It seems to make sense that if you want to truly care for your natural hair, than you would keep your routine, well….natural. I don’t use products in my hair. At least not very often. I’d love to say this is because my hair doesn’t need them, but truth be told, I wouldn’t know what to do with 90% of hair products set in front of me. On that note though, whenever I go to the salon, I receive compliments on how healthy my hair is. I don’t think this is a coincidence.

By minimizing what chemicals and additives we put in our hair, then our natural hair can really shine. If you have to use product try to keep it as natural based as possible. Then only use it when absolutely necessary.

Let it Air Dry

One of the best things I can do for my hair is to let it air dry. It almost always looks the best, and minimizing heat on our hair helps keep it healthy. We can’t always let it air dry (hello polar vortex), but the more often you can, the healthier your hair will be.

So from one white girl who believes in the natural beauty of all, please, love your hair! Let your natural beauty shine, because you are beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

January 31, 2019
Tips for Choosing Gifts for Your Husband

This post on choosing gifts for your husband is sponsored by The Good Stuff by Coupons.com. Opinions are all my own.

Valentines Day is right around the corner, and so is my husbands birthday. The time for choosing gifts is at hand! Here’s a little secret though, I’m not very good at picking out gifts.

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I really struggle with this. Not because I don’t like giving gifts, but finding the perfect one is always hard. We want to find our spouse something they will love, will use, and tells them how much we love them. That’s a whole lot to be asking for though!

Perhaps you struggle with this too? I can only assume you do, which is why you ended up here. Our problem is our passion. We love so much, and want that adequately expressed when choosing gifts. So step one for us all, is to let go of perfection.

Let Go of Perfection

If we get hung up on finding the “perfect” gift, we will never get a gift. We may find ourselves so frustrated that we end up buying something just to buy something that has no sentimental attachment at all. So now that we can let go of finding the perfect gift, let’s figure out how to find a perfect gift without the expectation.

Listen

Part of choosing a gift for someone is actually knowing that person. In a marriage with children, it’s really easy to get into a day to day routine. He gets up and showers, and goes to work. You get up send kids off to school, and clean house, work, and make meals. He comes home, you eat, play a family game, or watch a movie. Then you all go to bed. Before you need to choose a gift again, take time to really listen to your spouse. Not just their words, but their body language and daily routine. Listen to what excites them, and brings them joy in their daily routine.

Write a Dream List

If you are still struggling to choose a gift after listening to your spouse, invite them to write a dream list. I’ve been writing a list of 100 things I would like to do, see, accomplish in my life. The more things that are added the more I’ve realized what a perfect gift list this also is. If anyone wanted to gift me something that meant something, they would just have to read through that list. Having your husband write a list serves two-fold – you get a list of potential perfect gifts, and he gets to dream some.

Give Them Time

If all else fails and you just can’t find the right gift, just give them your time. From my experience, a day or night where you give all your attention to your husband, will mean the world to them. Grab a babysitter for the kids, and if you can finagle it, make it an overnight sitter. Spend the whole day letting your husband choose what you do, where you eat, and then end the night either out at a hotel, or back home if the kids are elsewhere. Trust me, your husband will love this.

When it comes down to it, as long as you choose a gift for your husband with love and the desire to see him happy, any gift you choose is going to be the perfect gift. Of course there is always just asking your husband what he wants as well – open communication and all that.

January 30, 2019
Couples Therapy Beyond the Counselors Office

This post on Couples Therapy beyond the Counselors Office is sponsored by Regain.us. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Let’s start by saying that beyond a few visits with our local religious leader (aka LDS Bishop), and seeing individual counselors, I have never actually gone to a couples therapy. I do believe counselors can be very beneficial, and couples I’ve talked to who have or are meeting with one, have only good things to say about the improvement in their relationship. So is it worth it to visit a licensed therapist? I’ll let Regain.us convince you of that in their article – Couples Therapy Cost: Is It Worth It?

I’d like to speak today more to the things we can do as couples beyond the counselors office. Any relationship has to be nourished to thrive. It’s very much like a plant. You can’t buy a plant because you love it, then set it on a table, ignore it, and wonder why it died a week later.

Similarly, you can’t date someone, tell them you love them, maybe even marry them, and then ignore them, fight with them, and hope that they will still love you in the end.

So what do you do to keep your relationship nourished? I reached out to my friends and asked for some of their tips on keeping the spark and love alive in a relationship. Their thoughts come from experience at growing their own relationships to connect as a couple.

Couples Therapy by You

Write Love Notes

There are a number of ways you can implement this one. One friend uses a dry eraser marker and every day they write one thing they love/like about the other. Another friend uses sticky notes to leave her husband notes. I actually carry a pad of sticky notes with pre-written love notes to leave on Mark’s car when I drive by his work. Sticky notes are also great if your husband takes a lunch to work.

Pray Together

If you are religious, coming together as a couple in prayer to God, will ultimately improve your relationship. Praying as a couple means uniting in one person to seek supplication from a higher being. As we seek for love and understanding through a similar belief, our hearts are more open to accepting each other as they are.

Buy a Massage Table

This one is a bit of a running joke in our family. Mark’s brother bought a massage table, but quite frequently it’s used to hold the unfolded laundry, papers, and other clutter. I’m sure it gets it’s use sometimes though… Either way, it is a good idea to create a space in your home to reconnect with each other. Whether it be a massage table, or just the massage tools, connecting through physical touch is important for couples.

Go Out Without The Kids

At least once a month a date night out should be required for married couples. After marriage, it’s easy to let the kids, work, and household responsibilities get in the way of date nights. Don’t let it. If possible, make it a weekly date night, but I’m a realist so I know that can be difficult when you first start to rekindle a relationship. Go ahead and have home dates weekly, after the kids are in bed. Just make it a commitment to once a month get out and don’t even talk about the kids!

Make Time for Conversation

A good date night to the movie is always nice, but it leaves little room for conversation. Picking activities that allow more time to speak and share our lives instead of just living them side by side can only help the blossoms to bloom. My friends suggest things such as dancing, going for walks in parks, and making Home Depot runs together. One of my favorite day dates was a walk in the park followed by a picnic lunch on the grass.

Laugh Together

A good hearty laugh with your spouse is sometimes truly needed. After one of our worst years, after the funeral of my Father-In-Law, we took the kids to a park to get some energy out. Mark and I hopped on a double swing, and soon the laughter was just bubbling out of me. A comment was made, that that kind of laughing hadn’t been heard in quite some time. Laughter allows the stress of life to wash away, if only for a moment in time, and that can bring two people much closer together.

Surprise Gifts

When money becomes a stresser in a marriage it can be difficult to purchase anything unneeded. However, if you can manage to put in a little bit of funds to every so often surprise your spouse with a little something they would like, you’ll find a smile waiting for you when it’s given. Gift cards to their favorite lunch spot, a favorite candy bar, flowers, it doesn’t have to be big at all.

Disagree Respectfully

If you read an article I wrote last weekend, you’ll know I believe it’s important that we recognize the differences in our spouse and ourselves. So, yes you will have disagreements. It’s important that when you have these disagreements though, you do so respectfully. If you can listen to each other, truly open your ears and your heart you’ll grow together. In the words of one friend, “When we leave the disagreement understanding each other more and feeling understood it can be a very powerful experience that builds that bond closer.”

Try New Things

As we are different people, trying new things serves for a 2-fold purpose. First, it’s just fun to try something new, and when you do it as a couple, you are creating memories together. Secondly, it’s good to try something that is new to you, but that your spouse has always loved. Showing an interest in something you may not have tried otherwise tells your companion that you love who they are, and are interested in more than the feeling of love, but the action.

January 9, 2019
Learning to Love in a Marriage when Differences Arise

This post on marriage is sponsored by Regain.us. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Marriage is not a nice ride in the park. It’s much more like a roller-coaster ride with a wind advisory. You go up and down, and your body wants to move one way, while the inertia pushes you in another. Add in a little unexpected wind gusts, and sometimes you might find yourself feeling pretty sick.

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Mark and I met late one February, and by the first week in April were engaged with a wedding date set for late July. At the time, we were head over heels in love, and felt we knew each other as well as one could.

Turns out, we hardly knew each other at all. That may sound like the beginning to a bad story, but it’s not at all. Our story hasn’t ended yet, and we plan for it to last through the eternities. In order for that to happen, though, we’ve had to learn and grow quite a bit.

I recall very shortly after marrying Mark visiting his parents. A sibling was there and put out the question “So what quirks bother you about each other.” Mark was pretty quick with an answer about how I slept funny and took up a fair portion of the bed, while my mind drew a blank. I’d never looked for anything that bothered me about Mark.

Unfortunately, that question which was probably meant to cause no harm, changed my mind set. I did start looking for the differences, and what bothered me. Surely there was something right? I probably did this out of feeling embarrassed listening to my sleep described, but mostly I think it became a subconscious thing.

It’s been 13 years, and I have only just begun to come full circle back to that oh so innocent question. One that I didn’t realize but had tainted my marriage. It’s a question I vow never to ask a newly married couple, or even a long time married couple. We all have differences and they will come up in your marriage. It’s what you do with those differences though, that will keep your story going or not.

Keys to Loving your Marriage despite differences

Acknowledge that you have differences.

I believe early on we had formulated this idea that we thought the same, and any difference was some sort of fault in the other person. How could people so different have found each other and fallen in love?

Listen without judgement.

Once you have acknowledged that you are different people with different experiences the judging starts to take a backseat. Learning to listen to your spouse’s difference in opinion will actually strengthen you beyond marriage. You will become a more compassionate person able to understand many others your walk in life comes across.

Accept yourself the way you are.

It’s hard for a spouse to love their partner, if their partner doesn’t love themselves. Mark and I both came into our marriage with a lot of self-defeat. We thought we were both just passive pleasers, but it was much deeper than that. We didn’t love ourselves, and that made it really hard to love each others differences.

Find common ground.

Finding the differences in a married couple is quite easy. Now it’s time to find common ground. Find things you both enjoy, and then build off of those. Mark and I love watching movies together, so we make that a regular time spent together – even if it means giving something else up (often for us it’s a little bit of extra sleep).

Don’t let differences become ammunition.

By following the steps above, when you do have an argument – or disagreement – you won’t use those differences as ammunition to tear down your spouse because you understand them. When our differences are used as ammunition, we will inevitably regret our words later.

Disagreements will pass.

Funny enough, just last week I found myself really mad at Mark – today I can remember the feeling, but I couldn’t tell you what in the world I was mad about. I’d like to believe that part of that is because I knew deep down inside that the reason was a silly one. Whatever it was didn’t mesh with “my ideas”, but it didn’t mean I was right. The best way to let disagreements pass, is to not talk about them with others. As soon as you pull in outside “reinforcements”, you’re going to stay in the cycle of anger longer.

Counseling can Help

If you find your differences are just too big to manage on your own, it’s OK to seek professional help. While Mark and I have never gone to marriage counseling, it’s something I have considered greatly. A few years ago, when I was really struggling, I told Mark I was meeting with our local religious leader. I told him that he was welcome to come, but whether or not he did, I was going. He chose to come, and despite some hard struggles, we have been headed mostly uphill ever since.

Regain.us has a great article on the benefits of marriage counseling, and when you should seek it out. I particularly like that their point that we are all struggling with something, and marriage counseling can help us understand ourselves, as well as our spouse and their struggles. Because despite being married to someone, we often don’t want the person we love the most to know just how fragile we might really be.

January 4, 2019
Kind Notes and Candy Canes to Light Your Community
It doesn’t take much to spread a little cheer around your community. This years Light the World campaign gave us a focus to “Light your community.”

You may also enjoy: Feed the Hungry this Christmas As You Light the World

The idea behind lighting the world is to do things our Savior, Jesus Christ, would have done – that is to serve others with joy. During a time we are celebrating His birth, I can think of no better gift to give.

This year, the campaign took on a new idea and broke it down into 3 areas.
1. Light the World
2. Light Your Community
3. Light Your Family
#3 was the easiest for our family to focus on. I actually got the idea from my sister in law, Renee. She began having her family all pick a name of someone in the family and then spend a week doing secret service for them. So we decided to do the same. It has been a joy watching the kids try to serve each other and us, and I’ve found myself focusing more on my children as individuals who need separate attention.

#2 also was an easy and fun experience for us. Again, Renee inspired and even led this particular experience for us on the Sunday before Christmas. After church we gathered together and with stacks of sticky notes, we wrote kind notes, inspiring messages, and I even made up some cute emoji’s on the bright yellow sticky’s. We then took the older kids and left the notes on cars at the grocery store, along with some candy canes hung on door handles – or given directly to those we found loading up groceries.

#1 however I admit was a bit more difficult, and I admit I didn’t find – or make – the time to do anything to light the world. Ideas encouraged us to learn about a different culture, or volunteer with the local refugee groups. Nothing stuck out as a way for me to truly help though. So I will continue to look throughout 2019 for ways to serve the world beyond my local community. If you have any ideas for me, please leave them in a comment.
December 28, 2018