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Category: marriage

How to Support an Addicted Spouse in Recovery

This post on helping an addicted spouse in recovery is a guest article written by Tyler from the Steps Recovery Center. No compensation was exchanged for this post. My goal is to provide content to help your family live a more full and purposeful life.

Marriage is supposed to be one of the most rewarding relationships in our life, where spouses can go to each other for reassurance and feel loved in our everyday lives. Marriage is supposed to feel like a safe haven from the outside world.

Learning to Love in a Marriage when Differences Arise

Unfortunately, addiction can quickly turn the safe haven of marriage into a nightmarish cage. If you are the spouse of an addict, you’ve probably witnessed your partner change from a kind, loving person to someone whose mood requires you to walk on eggshells constantly.

Even if your partner is actively working to recover from their addiction, it can be all too tempting to give in to despair. I’m here to tell you that there are steps you can take now that will not only help you support your spouse but also help you gain some semblance of normalcy in your life.

Here are some tips on how to support your alcoholic or addicted spouse in recovery.

Be Honest – Avoid Denial

If you are married to an addict in recovery, the most important thing you can do is be honest with yourself about the situation. Too many people try to sweep their addicted spouse’s actions under the rug rather than address reality. However, ignoring the problem won’t help you or your spouse.

Being honest doesn’t mean you need to tell everyone you meet about your problem, but it does mean you need to face it head-on. Doing this allows you to take control of your own well-being and helps you to determine what your next step should be.

Do Your Research

Addiction is a disease that can affect everyone in your family. The person you fell in love with still exists, they are just sick and need help.

If you are married to an addict in recovery, all is not lost. There are many sources online full of tips and strategies to help you through this rough patch in your marriage.

You should also consider contacting an experienced treatment specialist as they can help you gain a much clearer picture of your situation.

The Steps Recovery Centers blog is a great place to start, as they regularly post blogs about addiction recovery and how to support an alcoholic spouse in recovery.

Stop Enabling

Whatever you do, and this can’t be emphasized enough, don’t enable your partner in their addiction. Enabling is doing anything that shelters an addict from the consequences of their actions and allows them to continue indulging in their addictions.

Enabling an addict always causes more harm than good. Your goal is to help your spouse overcome their addiction through love and care, not help them continue their destructive behavior.

Put You and Your Family First

Ultimately, there is only one person you can change in this world, and that’s you. If you are the spouse of an addict, it’s vital that you place the needs of yourself and your family first.

This means that you should continue with any family routines you may have, such as family dinner, even if your spouse doesn’t join you. Find some time to spend with family and friends. Taking the time to care for yourself can help you find inner strength that you didn’t even know you had!

It’s also important to know your limits. Most spouses will eventually get the help they need. However, it’s important to remember that marriage doesn’t mean that you need to be tied to a sinking ship.

Remember, addiction recovery is a process. Your spouse may make great strides some weeks and little to no progress other weeks. As many can attest, things can get better.

Author’s Bio

Tyler S. Hansen
Steps Recovery Centers
General Manager

I am a recovering addict who currently has 7+ years clean and sober. I spent time in the Utah State Prison for drug and theft charges and now work as an Advanced Substance Use disorder counselor for Steps Recovery
addiction Centers and the Utah County Sheriffs Office. I am also attending the MSW program at Brigham Young University and an advocate and speaker for recovery.

May 22, 2019
Tips for Choosing Gifts for Your Husband

This post on choosing gifts for your husband is sponsored by The Good Stuff by Coupons.com. Opinions are all my own.

Valentines Day is right around the corner, and so is my husbands birthday. The time for choosing gifts is at hand! Here’s a little secret though, I’m not very good at picking out gifts.

Related: Secret Santa Ideas for Every Budget

I really struggle with this. Not because I don’t like giving gifts, but finding the perfect one is always hard. We want to find our spouse something they will love, will use, and tells them how much we love them. That’s a whole lot to be asking for though!

Perhaps you struggle with this too? I can only assume you do, which is why you ended up here. Our problem is our passion. We love so much, and want that adequately expressed when choosing gifts. So step one for us all, is to let go of perfection.

Let Go of Perfection

If we get hung up on finding the “perfect” gift, we will never get a gift. We may find ourselves so frustrated that we end up buying something just to buy something that has no sentimental attachment at all. So now that we can let go of finding the perfect gift, let’s figure out how to find a perfect gift without the expectation.

Listen

Part of choosing a gift for someone is actually knowing that person. In a marriage with children, it’s really easy to get into a day to day routine. He gets up and showers, and goes to work. You get up send kids off to school, and clean house, work, and make meals. He comes home, you eat, play a family game, or watch a movie. Then you all go to bed. Before you need to choose a gift again, take time to really listen to your spouse. Not just their words, but their body language and daily routine. Listen to what excites them, and brings them joy in their daily routine.

Write a Dream List

If you are still struggling to choose a gift after listening to your spouse, invite them to write a dream list. I’ve been writing a list of 100 things I would like to do, see, accomplish in my life. The more things that are added the more I’ve realized what a perfect gift list this also is. If anyone wanted to gift me something that meant something, they would just have to read through that list. Having your husband write a list serves two-fold – you get a list of potential perfect gifts, and he gets to dream some.

Give Them Time

If all else fails and you just can’t find the right gift, just give them your time. From my experience, a day or night where you give all your attention to your husband, will mean the world to them. Grab a babysitter for the kids, and if you can finagle it, make it an overnight sitter. Spend the whole day letting your husband choose what you do, where you eat, and then end the night either out at a hotel, or back home if the kids are elsewhere. Trust me, your husband will love this.

When it comes down to it, as long as you choose a gift for your husband with love and the desire to see him happy, any gift you choose is going to be the perfect gift. Of course there is always just asking your husband what he wants as well – open communication and all that.

January 30, 2019
Couples Therapy Beyond the Counselors Office

This post on Couples Therapy beyond the Counselors Office is sponsored by Regain.us. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Let’s start by saying that beyond a few visits with our local religious leader (aka LDS Bishop), and seeing individual counselors, I have never actually gone to a couples therapy. I do believe counselors can be very beneficial, and couples I’ve talked to who have or are meeting with one, have only good things to say about the improvement in their relationship. So is it worth it to visit a licensed therapist? I’ll let Regain.us convince you of that in their article – Couples Therapy Cost: Is It Worth It?

I’d like to speak today more to the things we can do as couples beyond the counselors office. Any relationship has to be nourished to thrive. It’s very much like a plant. You can’t buy a plant because you love it, then set it on a table, ignore it, and wonder why it died a week later.

Similarly, you can’t date someone, tell them you love them, maybe even marry them, and then ignore them, fight with them, and hope that they will still love you in the end.

So what do you do to keep your relationship nourished? I reached out to my friends and asked for some of their tips on keeping the spark and love alive in a relationship. Their thoughts come from experience at growing their own relationships to connect as a couple.

Couples Therapy by You

Write Love Notes

There are a number of ways you can implement this one. One friend uses a dry eraser marker and every day they write one thing they love/like about the other. Another friend uses sticky notes to leave her husband notes. I actually carry a pad of sticky notes with pre-written love notes to leave on Mark’s car when I drive by his work. Sticky notes are also great if your husband takes a lunch to work.

Pray Together

If you are religious, coming together as a couple in prayer to God, will ultimately improve your relationship. Praying as a couple means uniting in one person to seek supplication from a higher being. As we seek for love and understanding through a similar belief, our hearts are more open to accepting each other as they are.

Buy a Massage Table

This one is a bit of a running joke in our family. Mark’s brother bought a massage table, but quite frequently it’s used to hold the unfolded laundry, papers, and other clutter. I’m sure it gets it’s use sometimes though… Either way, it is a good idea to create a space in your home to reconnect with each other. Whether it be a massage table, or just the massage tools, connecting through physical touch is important for couples.

Go Out Without The Kids

At least once a month a date night out should be required for married couples. After marriage, it’s easy to let the kids, work, and household responsibilities get in the way of date nights. Don’t let it. If possible, make it a weekly date night, but I’m a realist so I know that can be difficult when you first start to rekindle a relationship. Go ahead and have home dates weekly, after the kids are in bed. Just make it a commitment to once a month get out and don’t even talk about the kids!

Make Time for Conversation

A good date night to the movie is always nice, but it leaves little room for conversation. Picking activities that allow more time to speak and share our lives instead of just living them side by side can only help the blossoms to bloom. My friends suggest things such as dancing, going for walks in parks, and making Home Depot runs together. One of my favorite day dates was a walk in the park followed by a picnic lunch on the grass.

Laugh Together

A good hearty laugh with your spouse is sometimes truly needed. After one of our worst years, after the funeral of my Father-In-Law, we took the kids to a park to get some energy out. Mark and I hopped on a double swing, and soon the laughter was just bubbling out of me. A comment was made, that that kind of laughing hadn’t been heard in quite some time. Laughter allows the stress of life to wash away, if only for a moment in time, and that can bring two people much closer together.

Surprise Gifts

When money becomes a stresser in a marriage it can be difficult to purchase anything unneeded. However, if you can manage to put in a little bit of funds to every so often surprise your spouse with a little something they would like, you’ll find a smile waiting for you when it’s given. Gift cards to their favorite lunch spot, a favorite candy bar, flowers, it doesn’t have to be big at all.

Disagree Respectfully

If you read an article I wrote last weekend, you’ll know I believe it’s important that we recognize the differences in our spouse and ourselves. So, yes you will have disagreements. It’s important that when you have these disagreements though, you do so respectfully. If you can listen to each other, truly open your ears and your heart you’ll grow together. In the words of one friend, “When we leave the disagreement understanding each other more and feeling understood it can be a very powerful experience that builds that bond closer.”

Try New Things

As we are different people, trying new things serves for a 2-fold purpose. First, it’s just fun to try something new, and when you do it as a couple, you are creating memories together. Secondly, it’s good to try something that is new to you, but that your spouse has always loved. Showing an interest in something you may not have tried otherwise tells your companion that you love who they are, and are interested in more than the feeling of love, but the action.

January 9, 2019
Learning to Love in a Marriage when Differences Arise

This post on marriage is sponsored by Regain.us. All thoughts and opinions are my own.

Marriage is not a nice ride in the park. It’s much more like a roller-coaster ride with a wind advisory. You go up and down, and your body wants to move one way, while the inertia pushes you in another. Add in a little unexpected wind gusts, and sometimes you might find yourself feeling pretty sick.

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Valentines Gift for Each Love Language
Tips for a Successful Marriage

Mark and I met late one February, and by the first week in April were engaged with a wedding date set for late July. At the time, we were head over heels in love, and felt we knew each other as well as one could.

Turns out, we hardly knew each other at all. That may sound like the beginning to a bad story, but it’s not at all. Our story hasn’t ended yet, and we plan for it to last through the eternities. In order for that to happen, though, we’ve had to learn and grow quite a bit.

I recall very shortly after marrying Mark visiting his parents. A sibling was there and put out the question “So what quirks bother you about each other.” Mark was pretty quick with an answer about how I slept funny and took up a fair portion of the bed, while my mind drew a blank. I’d never looked for anything that bothered me about Mark.

Unfortunately, that question which was probably meant to cause no harm, changed my mind set. I did start looking for the differences, and what bothered me. Surely there was something right? I probably did this out of feeling embarrassed listening to my sleep described, but mostly I think it became a subconscious thing.

It’s been 13 years, and I have only just begun to come full circle back to that oh so innocent question. One that I didn’t realize but had tainted my marriage. It’s a question I vow never to ask a newly married couple, or even a long time married couple. We all have differences and they will come up in your marriage. It’s what you do with those differences though, that will keep your story going or not.

Keys to Loving your Marriage despite differences

Acknowledge that you have differences.

I believe early on we had formulated this idea that we thought the same, and any difference was some sort of fault in the other person. How could people so different have found each other and fallen in love?

Listen without judgement.

Once you have acknowledged that you are different people with different experiences the judging starts to take a backseat. Learning to listen to your spouse’s difference in opinion will actually strengthen you beyond marriage. You will become a more compassionate person able to understand many others your walk in life comes across.

Accept yourself the way you are.

It’s hard for a spouse to love their partner, if their partner doesn’t love themselves. Mark and I both came into our marriage with a lot of self-defeat. We thought we were both just passive pleasers, but it was much deeper than that. We didn’t love ourselves, and that made it really hard to love each others differences.

Find common ground.

Finding the differences in a married couple is quite easy. Now it’s time to find common ground. Find things you both enjoy, and then build off of those. Mark and I love watching movies together, so we make that a regular time spent together – even if it means giving something else up (often for us it’s a little bit of extra sleep).

Don’t let differences become ammunition.

By following the steps above, when you do have an argument – or disagreement – you won’t use those differences as ammunition to tear down your spouse because you understand them. When our differences are used as ammunition, we will inevitably regret our words later.

Disagreements will pass.

Funny enough, just last week I found myself really mad at Mark – today I can remember the feeling, but I couldn’t tell you what in the world I was mad about. I’d like to believe that part of that is because I knew deep down inside that the reason was a silly one. Whatever it was didn’t mesh with “my ideas”, but it didn’t mean I was right. The best way to let disagreements pass, is to not talk about them with others. As soon as you pull in outside “reinforcements”, you’re going to stay in the cycle of anger longer.

Counseling can Help

If you find your differences are just too big to manage on your own, it’s OK to seek professional help. While Mark and I have never gone to marriage counseling, it’s something I have considered greatly. A few years ago, when I was really struggling, I told Mark I was meeting with our local religious leader. I told him that he was welcome to come, but whether or not he did, I was going. He chose to come, and despite some hard struggles, we have been headed mostly uphill ever since.

Regain.us has a great article on the benefits of marriage counseling, and when you should seek it out. I particularly like that their point that we are all struggling with something, and marriage counseling can help us understand ourselves, as well as our spouse and their struggles. Because despite being married to someone, we often don’t want the person we love the most to know just how fragile we might really be.

January 4, 2019
How to Have a Romantic Evening at Home

How to Have a Romantic Evening at Home

by Alek Sabin

When you picture a romantic evening with your significant other, what are you imagining? Rooftop restaurants and majestic getaways? That’s fair, but the more extravagant you make a nice romantic night on the town, the further away it gets from being a reality. You don’t really need to break the bank by going out to a fancy restaurant, at least not if you’re willing to put in a little more effort and get a little creative. Truth be told, some of the best romantic evenings can be had in the confines of your own home. Here are some steps on how you can have a romantic evening at home…

Invite your partner, formally

Just because you are planning on having a date night in, it doesn’t mean you can’t get a little fancy with it. This shouldn’t feel like a lazy date, just because you’re having it at home. The first step to making this feel like more of an event is to actually formally invite your partner. Get a nice invitation made up, and then find a clever way to ask them on the date. It might feel a little silly, but it will show them that you care and that this is more than just your typical night in.

Still get dressed up

There might be nothing nicer than putting on some sweats for a cuddly night of Netflix. In some ways, that’s the most romantic date of all, but it’s not really the point of planning a nice night in. If you want to make this date feel special, still treat it as if you were going out to a 5-star restaurant. That means putting on your best threads. Take some time to prepare yourself and look your best, even if you aren’t even leaving the house in that outfit. This shows your partner that you took all that time to get ready just for them, and them alone.

Make your home feel like a getaway

If you really want a date night in your home to feel special, then take some pains to make your home feel different than it normally does. Getting some romantic decorations to set the mood for your date is going to make all the difference in feeling like it’s any other night or feeling like you really are at an extravagant getaway. Some classic romantic decorations could simply include some flowers and candles. It’s not a lot, but it goes a long way towards setting the tone of the evening.

Go above and beyond for the meal

If you don’t want to spend all that money on going out to eat, then why not take it a step further and put in the effort to show how much better your home cooking is, anyway? Cooking together can be a really romantic activity where you both work towards something that you both get to enjoy. When it comes to picking the right dish, either stick with something that you know you can prepare and cook well or, if you’re feeling adventurous, crack open the internet to try a new exotic recipe that you’ve never tried before! You’re bound to have a few “someday I’ll try…” recipes sitting on a Pinterest board out there.

Try making your own drinks

A great way to make a meal feel like a lot more is by dressing it up with all the frills that you’d get at a party or restaurant. That means mocktails, appetizers, and a special dessert, and maybe even serving up dinner in a few separate courses. If you want to make the evening extra-special, try making some fun new mocktails, which are usually pretty simple to put together. Put some extra effort into presentation.

March 21, 2018
Valentines Gifts for Each Love Language
Valentines Gifts for Each Love Language

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At Home Date Night

Ah, Valentine’s, the season for every store to sell out of heart-shaped boxes, and for every florist to scramble to find enough red roses. It’s the time when every jewelry store manipulates women into thinking that if they don’t get a diamond bracelet, they’re not truly loved.

Well, this year, disrupt the cliches. After all, who ever said that a holiday celebrating love should have a price tag attached? This holiday should be about showing that special someone in your life that you love them. And the truth is, that message will be best shared when you speak your significant other’s language… love language, that is.

Five Love Languages

Have you ever taken the love language quiz? The premise of it is that everyone has different ways that they show love, and different ways that they like to receive love. There are five love languages total, and only one of them is “gifts.” Only one of them is going to be answered by the commercialized version of Valentine’s Day.

There are a million good reasons to give a non-material gift for Valentine’s Day. It can be a good way to save money, or to give a great gift even if the store is overcrowded and understocked. And then there’s the fact that, to be honest, all of us have too much stuff. We don’t need a little stuffed bear. But most of all, going a route besides the rose-petal-strewn path to the mall is the best way to make your Valentine’s Day truly unique and special; a celebration of your one-in-a-million relationship.

So, I’ve put together a list of ideas below catered to each love language (besides gifts.) Hopefully it’ll get those creative juices flowing and help you decide on something tailor made that your sweetheart will never forget.

Quality Time

The key to quality time is undivided attention. That means one-on-one time where you are undistracted by text messages or emails from work. It means that talk is cheaper than a conversation heart and all the stuffed bears in the world can’t equal some good eye contact. If your Valentine responds best to quality time, consider doing something to make the night special for just the two of you. Here are some ideas:
- Cook a meal at home and make sure that there are no distractions while you enjoy your candlelit meal for two.
- Buy tickets for an event that you know your significant other will love, whether that’s a demolition derby, or an upcoming ballet.
- Sign both of you up for an activity that’s new for you both, especially something that you know the other person really wants to try. That might be indoor skydiving, or perhaps something as random as trying out an isolation chamber.
Acts of Service

If your significant other appreciates acts of service, then you need to know that the key here is that you’re willing to work for them and lighten the burdens that they operate under. For example, a wife and mother cleaning up the house for her family is doing an act of service that demonstrates her love for her family. Very few husbands and children realize what a special gift it can be if they decide to take on that job themselves.

So, what’s an item that’s been sitting on your love’s to-do-list for weeks (months, even) because they just haven’t wanted to deal with it? Well, now’s your opportunity to show how much you love them by taking care of it for them.
- Take care of their car. Perhaps they need some new tires. Or maybe it’s just time to take care of all those things that are necessary to prepare the car for spring. Or make it a date night to learn how to take care of the car.
- Make their favorite dessert from scratch. Not quite sure what it is? Call up their mom. Moms always know.
- Deep-clean the whole house, especially if it’s something that your Valentine usually does.
- This list has some more ideas for special favors you can do.
Words of Affirmation

Some people just need to hear it said out loud now and then in order to know that they are loved. If this is your sweetheart’s preferred love language, then you’re going to want to go into a little more detail than a trite “Be Mine.” Written or spoken, it’s time to share how you really feel, and there are plenty of unique ways to do so.
- Write a love letter. If this feels outside of your wheelhouse, consider making a list of things that you love about your sweetheart. Or tell a story about how you met and fell for each other. Share something the other person hasn’t heard yet.
- Instead of putting it all into one letter, consider sending a series of small, thoughtful notes throughout the day. Write out spirit-boosting compliments, jokes, and expressions of appreciation for what they do. You can send a few texts throughout the day, or leave a bunch of post-it notes throughout the house.
- If communication is what feeds your relationship best, find a way to prompt some great conversations today. Prep with a list like this or make up your own.
Touch

I don’t think that touch is quite as neglected as some other love languages over Valentine’s Day. After all, what else would all that special lingerie be for? However, if your partner’s love language is touch, then it’s worth it to make things a little extra-special tonight. However, it doesn’t just have to be about sex. Communicating love through touch can come in many different forms.
- Set up a special massage. Get that awesome peppermint foot lotion, or try out a hot stone massage.
- Surprise your significant other with an enthusiastic hug and kiss every time you see them today.
- Stay physically connected during conversations, reach out in small ways, and spend some time cuddling like you did when you first started dating.
Hopefully that gave you some ideas for thinking outside the heart-shaped box. Have you ever received a special gift that spoke straight to your love language? Share below!
February 7, 2018
At Home Date Night with Chef’d

With a new baby in the house, getting out for date night just doesn’t happen. So, I’ve been looking for a fun home date night that we can do after the kids have gone to bed. I am a Chef’d Food Critic, and I received a product in exchange for this post.

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Before kids, date night usually consisted of a fancy meal followed by a movie. After kids, date night became a thing of the past. Something we did maybe once a year on our anniversary.

At the beginning of this year, and before our 5th child was born, Mark and I recommitted to making our marriage and each other a priority. We both changed habits and worked harder at finding quality time to spend with just the two of us, sans children.

Once baby Harold was born, he took priority, as babies do, and the good habits we had been forming started to be pushed aside. I didn’t mean to, but after getting up once or twice a night, getting up early to spend time with Mark before the kids were awake and he left for work – it just wasn’t happening. We’re 3 months in now, and I knew I needed to put our marriage back on the top of my list, followed by the baby.

I heard about Chef’d, and knew I wanted to give them a try. Mark and I both love to cook, and I especially enjoy trying new foods and recipes. Chef’d looked like the perfect option to bring back home date nights. I envisioned it right away – we’d put the kids in bed and then Mark and I would dance around the kitchen while cooking a delicious meal just for the two of us.

OK, it didn’t quite happen that way. But it was still a magical dinner in our own home because it wasn’t our regular night of begging the kids to please eat their peas.

Home Date Night Tips

Pick a Date. Start each month by looking at the calendar. Pick a date and write it down! Don’t pencil it, because that’s too easy to change up. Once you have it on your calendar follow through.

Plan your dinner. With Chef’d you don’t have to order a subscription. Instead, once you have your date night chosen, you go in and pick your meal. There’s no obligation to buy more, and no subscription to cancel. Once you have your meal in your cart you pick the day you want it delivered. This ensures fresh ingredients on the day you want to cook them – it also seals that home date night on the calendar.

Take care of the kids. Feed the kids something quick and easy. Something they like and won’t complain about. Then send them off to bed. Even better, if you can find someone else to take them for the evening or even the night, then you can have your house to yourself. We’ve done this and still had a home date night. There’s something to be said for connecting in the peace of your own home, just the two of you.

Don’t Forget Dessert. When we go out to eat, we usually end up skipping dessert because we feel like we have to rush home to kids. At home, the kids are already taken care of, and I find we are more relaxed. This makes prime dessert conditions. Chef’d has a variety of desserts I can’t wait to try!

What would you try from Chef’d?

We tried the Sicilian Lamb Spezzatino for our first home date night, and I was impressed. Having never cooked lamb before I was a little nervous, but the directions from Chef’d were easy to follow. I did plate mine differently because I thought it would look fun this way, and it really was. The directions probably allowed for more of the sauce to soak into the meat, though, which would have made this better.

Our home date night started once baby Harold was asleep for the night. We sent the rest of the kids outside to play, and then enjoyed our meal. I pushed the mess on the table to one side, laid out our nice white table cloth, and even set up a candlestick. I could tell Mark was impressed with my preparation for the evening. We then dug in and enjoyed every bite.

June 28, 2017
A Love Story

This Love Story is written in connection with ProFlowers. All thoughts are my own.

Marriage. To have and to hold. Through sickness and health. Through good times and bad. These are promises that can extend one Love Story for years to come.

I met this boy. I laughed and enjoyed his company. My head tilted to the side as we got to know each other, and the look from my eyes told him I was the one he wanted. As we left the party for our mutual friend’s birthday, he shared a desire to see me again.

In hopes I would see him by way of his friend, I exclaimed “You’d better”, then hopped in my parents truck and drove off.

A week or so later, he had my phone number and began asking me out. The 2-hour distance between us didn’t matter. I’d visit one weekend, he would visit the next. We talked regularly, and my parents began wondering if they needed to take out a loan to pay for the constant text messaging.

We were like high school sweethearts since we went to the same high school – only we weren’t there at the same time and didn’t meet until college. Many of our talks revolved around the same people we knew, and our favorite teachers. There was so many similarities between us, that the look I once gave you, turned into a knowing smile. We could finish each others thoughts, and had the same goals.

One night as he dropped me off, he braved the weather and declared “I think it’s time we hug.” I agreed, and we embraced. I had never hugged a guy before, and my heart fluttered.

A few more weeks passed. We had known each other for a month, and in a daring move I declared “If you had a ring, would you propose to me tonight?” My thoughts of a romantic proposal were killed by those words. Unable to wait any longer after such a declaration, he pulled out a ring he’d been carrying for I don’t know how long and proposed.

Then we kissed. For the first time. He was the first guy I’d ever locked my lips with. I had no idea what I was doing, and he did. So shortly after being proposed to, I received a lesson in how to kiss. Guys – I don’t suggest this. Just kiss her. She’ll eventually figure it out.

That was 11 years and 4 months ago. 11 years ago today we were married for time and all eternity. We promised our lives to each other. To strengthen the other when they fell, and push along despite the trials that may come our way. And the trials have come. They have not been easy. They have been worth every incredible moment and the 4 amazing children we’ve brought into this world together.

How long have you been with your spouse, or significant other? Share with me in a comment then remind them of your love story with an anniversary bouquet from ProFlowers.

July 29, 2016
Tips for a Successful Marriage

*This post is sponsored by Swiffer. All personal thoughts and tips for a successful marriage are my own*

I don’t get on youtube a whole lot unless a video is shared directly with me. Some of my all time favorites are the cute old couples, who have been together forever. There’s just something about them that you can’t help like, and hope and dream that someday you’ll be that cute old couple.

Couples like Morty and Lee give me the warm fuzzies. You can see their love for each other, but also their determination to be themselves. I just love it.

Today Mark and I are celebrating 8 years of marriage. We have a long way to go before becoming the Morty and Lee couple, but it is what we strive for. Here are a few tips for a successful marriage I’d like to share.

Communicate

On our honeymoon, Mark and I listened to a book someone had given us on marriage. The one piece of advice we both grasped on to, was communication. It told a story of a couple driving.

The husband at the wheel, the wife as passenger. Wife was getting hot, and said something to the effect “it’s really warm out today”. Husband replies “yes it is”, and continues driving. The wife sees an ice cream shop ahead and says “A cool treat would be nice in this heat”. Husband replies “yeah an ice cold soda would be nice”, and passes by the ice cream shop. Wife then begins to get angry. You never listen to me, she complains. Why didn’t you stop at the ice cream shop?! Of course the husband is confused and baffled at his wife’s outburst. He had no idea she saw the ice cream, and wanted some. She didn’t communicate her wants properly, and expected her husband to just know.

This story is all paraphrased from what I remember 8 years ago. Probably not exactly the story, but you can picture it right? How often do we do this to each other. Communication is so important in your marriage.

Hold on to Wedding Vows

So many marriages include the words “For better or worse” “through sickness and health” and “till death do we part”. But how many of these become just words to couples, as they toss out their marriage because they “fell out of love”, or one spouse made a mistake that becomes unforgivable to the other.

I will tell you right now – we have had our bad times. I expect more to come. But I know that I will fight for our marriage. I know that Mark will too because I know I’ll make my share of mistakes. As I forgive Mark for mistakes, I hope he can forgive me for mine as well. In our wedding, the words “For Time and All Eternity” replace “Till Death Do you Part”. When we are having a rough patch, I remind myself of that. I want to be married to Mark for all eternity. I plan on being married to Mark for all eternity. So we work on it. We push through until we come out to a sunny day – and there will be sunny days when you fight for each other, I promise!

Take time for each other

It’s often been suggested that you should have a monthly date night. A time to focus solely on each other, without the distraction of work, kids, or chores. By reconnecting you tell your spouse that you love them. You want to spend time with them, and you want to hear what’s on their mind that that they may not get to tell you during the rush of everyday routines.

Mark and I have almost a daily date. After putting the kids to bed, we sit together with snacks and watch our favorite shows, or we pull out a book to read together. Sometimes we’ll just use that time to reconnect as well.

Take time for yourself

I fail at this frequently. I have a hard time taking that time for myself because I feel like I must be selfish. It’s not selfish, though! Let me repeat…Making time for yourself is not selfish! There could come a point where all you’re doing is taking time for you, and then it would be selfish. But whether it’s getting up early to enjoy the morning quiet daily, or doing a weekly activity, you need that time. It allows you to enjoy a moment and free your mind of any negativity. Your spouse and family will enjoy the refreshed you. I learned this important lesson recently when I went to the Inspire My Life event with just my sister in law. I felt refreshed for almost 2 weeks after that, and still just thinking about it lightens my mood.

Learn your spouses Love Language

If you haven’t read the book 5 Love Languages, I recommend it. If you don’t want to read it though, I do suggest taking the Love Language test. It’s really a wonderful gauge to see what others can do for you that make you feel the most loved. If you know your spouse’s language it will be easier to show them love, and they will feel your love much more in a way that truly impacts their life. For me, my main love language is Physical Touch. I love hugging, kissing, and holding hands with my husband. These simple acts, for me, bring us closer as a couple.

Focus on the positives

This is especially important during the rough times. We can get so caught up in the negatives of a situation that after eating away at ourselves, it will start to eat away at our marriage. A good rule of thumb is for every negative thought, think of 5 positives. I’ve often been told that I have a good outlook on life, and I do hope that’s true. Things like a job loss, have me looking at the idea that we can move closer to family. Sure a job loss has been pretty scary for us recently, and if I wanted to I could dwell on the negative impacts our family is going through, but I’ve held fast to these positive thoughts, and because of it, I feel closer to Mark in a way I hadn’t before.

Be Flexible and Humble

Because this is a post on marriage advice, I asked Mark what he would add to my list. I couldn’t agree more with him. In a successful and long lasting marriage, you should be flexible in your wants, and be willing to give things up. It is also important to be humble. To apologize when you’ve made a mistake and work to correct it. On the other side of that, I’d also like to add be forgiving. Forgive your spouse when they make a mistake and allow them the chance to fix it. An unforgiving spouse has as much fault as the one who messed up.

How Do You Have a Successful Marriage?

July 29, 2013